That Ugly Vulnerability Word

There isn't really anything that is exciting about confessing your sin to other people. Well, no, I take that back, it might be exciting for them because yes, there is a chance it serves as a juicy piece of gossip from a slice of your life that is hardly revealed to the outside world. 

I was (and honestly still sometimes am) a little apprehensive of joining/being involved/ with a small group of women I had met at church. There are lots of reasons I wanted to join this group but was scared of it all at the same time. I fight constantly against the desire to take the easy route and to pull out my nice Christian mask. I am more prone to not want to get real with people when things in life are hitting the fan and I am struggling not to spin out of control hard enough for my mask to come flying off. 

It can be pretty ugly.

Basically, I am scared of the grossness that comes from being a vulnerable and broken woman. And if I'm horrified by my own junk, you can bet that the idea of even revealing a smidgen of it to other people makes me want to run off in the opposite direction and barf.

I can't speak for the dudes out there, but I sometimes think that because us women are wired to be emotional, all the challenges of life and all our junk can weigh down on us in a way that's not easy to just "get over" because it's so strongly connected to the mushy, feely stuff and isn't just a physical wound that goes away with some Neosporin and a Band-Aid.

I find it freakin' hard and freakin' great to wrestle with God, to learn more about Jesus, to follow Him. And when I say "follow Him" I don't mean, hey, I got this walk down cold, it's easy now, ya'll wanna try it? More like, I follow Him, wrestle with Him, reject Him, come back to Him, grow, follow, wrestle, reject, come back to Him, repeat, repeat, repeat. Every time, in every season, He meets me with grace and love. It's pretty nuts because I don't have much patience for people like me, so I can't even imagine how many times He could have thrown in the towel with my ways. 

I am excited and still scared and still can be lame about this whole vulnerability thing with others, but at the same time am excited and looking forward to being challenged in this new small group. 

Hope your're encouraged to not be afraid to reveal your junk to God. He's seen me hide and barf a gazillion times and yet, His love remains the same for me even when I struggle - unwavering. 

Steady. 

Mercy-filled. 

Happy Thursday, folks. 

Stubborn Moms and A Stubborn God

My mother is stubborn. And the stubbornness used to be rooted in all the wrong reasons. No, really. Just ask her and she'll tell you herself.

A little background to this post about  my stubborn mom - I am a Christian and so is my family. It wasn't always the case, though, and believe me, being Christian doesn't exclude you from having problems, experiencing loss, hurt, anger, etc. both as an individual and within your family. Our family was no exception. Thankfully, years and years of a faithful and loving God has changed a lot in my family, and even in my mom. My stubborn ol' mom.

However, this past weekend, I found myself thankful that my mom's stubbornness is still very much present, but this time, for all the right reasons. I was set to pick up a few things from my parent's house before heading to a photo shoot and it turns out my mom was home getting ready to head out to lunch with some friends. The day up to that point was a hard one for me, as I was battling a heavy sense of sadness and anger over some things going on in my life that I was not sure how to handle. It weighed so badly on me that it de-railed my thinking and caused me to just start crying in defeat when my mom asked me what was wrong.

I mumbled an answer of struggling with depression and defeat and my stubborn ol' mom simply rubbed my back and reminded me of a God who loves me and the authority I have to still fight off any feelings of defeat or sadness because of what Jesus did for me on the cross. As I sniffled and sobbed like a baby, she stubbornly reminded me that I am a child of a loving and merciful God and that he wants me to live freely, joyfully, and abundantly in His grace - not weighed down by past regrets or chained by any lies hell tries to make me believe. She prayed for me at that moment and told me that I will be just fine. And you know what? I believe my stubborn ol' momma because her words of encouragement were really coming from my loving Heavenly Papa who is just as stubborn about His love for me and will not let go.

I understand completely that many in this world will either find this post rubbish and some will find it encouraging. I certainly hope and pray it's more of the latter. And if you need convincing and a prayer for whatever it is you are struggling with, my stubborn ol' momma and I would be happy to help.

Happy Wednesday!