So, I hate that weird moment when you’re caught up in a discussion and the topic of talents, what you like to do, what you’re known to do, comes up. I had one of those moments and I think the nudity of my insecurity freaked me out just a smidge as I felt the conversation start to take off the layer of covers that discreetly hid this tiny thing I think is a flaw: I absolutely have no idea what my talent is or what is it I’m meant to “do”.
I’ve had a few distinct moments in my life where a conversation went something like this “Whether it’s being an artist like Jean, a great comedian like Samuel, a teacher and counselor like Leanna, and (here is where the speaker’s eyes shift to me and you can almost see the split second of hesitation as they suddenly are left wondering “um, wait, what can I say for you, Rona?” BUT thinly disguised in the segway of “Um, and yeah, everyone has something to contribute to worship God with! Be encouraged!".
I almost felt bad for that speaker that my presence stumbled them. Almost.
Perhaps I’m too much of an observer, but I can’t help it, I notice these things. And while it’s no fault of the current speaker in the conversation taking place among innocent friends, because I notice them, it makes something in me flinch that I’m not quite clear exactly on what it is that I, am purposed to do.
And as I ponder this in the hot shower on a winter day (I do most of my deep thinking with the bubbles of shampoo stinging my eye), I am reminded by God that I am not a human doing but rather a being, “fearfully and wonderfully made”. Gosh where is that written?
Hold on….oh yes, here:
Psalm 139:14”I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
Though truth is told in this Scripture, as the last of the shampoo bubbles drain away with the water and I stare at my toes on the shower tub floor, I still can’t help but say “Yeah, but God, come on. This bites. It’s a little cringing to think that I feel a lack of identity in these types of conversations that randomly come up with people.” And then the Spirit says, "but your identity isn’t in what you do, it’s in who you are.” To which I immediately say “well, who am I? Oh, yeah, daughter of God. Sorry, I forgot for a second, God.
Before you start thinking I'm crazy, please understand that I talk to God so much in my mind that it sometimes feel as if the thoughts are going to leak out my ears and actually reveal themselves to someone.
Though God’s reminded me that I am "fearfully and wonderfully made", that my identity is “Rona, God’s daughter”, I go back and forth sometimes on how much that truth is enough for me. I feel like an untapped source of stuff that just wants to go out and try the things I think I was given. Anytime I feel remotely close to what I think is “it”, I am pulled back by, I’m not experienced, I don’t have the money to pursue it, what if it’s just a whimsical thought like everything else, I lack the discipline to follow through, I don’t want to invest the time because it’s returns will be nothing, etc. And I know I can’t get caught up in that. Otherwise, I’ll never move.
Despite that, I am slowly understanding that if I fall flat on my face moving forward instead of falling simply because my knees got locked and immobilized from doing nothing, it's a far better place to be.
So, God, please continue to remind me of who I am in you, FIRST. I need an solid establishment of my identity in you, day to day, every minute. I need this or I can’t pour anything out for your sake. Supply me with this need God and when my cup is full of what you’ve supplied, I pray that it naturally is in my heart to pour it onto others, too. I pray that I am given the wisdom, guidance, and discipline to keep worship and relationship with you at the top of my priority list and second, that I am given a clear picture from only you as to what talents I have and how I can use that as you’ve meant for me to. Jesus, plain and simple, I need you and always need your help.
I’ve had a few distinct moments in my life where a conversation went something like this “Whether it’s being an artist like Jean, a great comedian like Samuel, a teacher and counselor like Leanna, and (here is where the speaker’s eyes shift to me and you can almost see the split second of hesitation as they suddenly are left wondering “um, wait, what can I say for you, Rona?” BUT thinly disguised in the segway of “Um, and yeah, everyone has something to contribute to worship God with! Be encouraged!".
I almost felt bad for that speaker that my presence stumbled them. Almost.
Perhaps I’m too much of an observer, but I can’t help it, I notice these things. And while it’s no fault of the current speaker in the conversation taking place among innocent friends, because I notice them, it makes something in me flinch that I’m not quite clear exactly on what it is that I, am purposed to do.
And as I ponder this in the hot shower on a winter day (I do most of my deep thinking with the bubbles of shampoo stinging my eye), I am reminded by God that I am not a human doing but rather a being, “fearfully and wonderfully made”. Gosh where is that written?
Hold on….oh yes, here:
Psalm 139:14”I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
Though truth is told in this Scripture, as the last of the shampoo bubbles drain away with the water and I stare at my toes on the shower tub floor, I still can’t help but say “Yeah, but God, come on. This bites. It’s a little cringing to think that I feel a lack of identity in these types of conversations that randomly come up with people.” And then the Spirit says, "but your identity isn’t in what you do, it’s in who you are.” To which I immediately say “well, who am I? Oh, yeah, daughter of God. Sorry, I forgot for a second, God.
Before you start thinking I'm crazy, please understand that I talk to God so much in my mind that it sometimes feel as if the thoughts are going to leak out my ears and actually reveal themselves to someone.
Though God’s reminded me that I am "fearfully and wonderfully made", that my identity is “Rona, God’s daughter”, I go back and forth sometimes on how much that truth is enough for me. I feel like an untapped source of stuff that just wants to go out and try the things I think I was given. Anytime I feel remotely close to what I think is “it”, I am pulled back by, I’m not experienced, I don’t have the money to pursue it, what if it’s just a whimsical thought like everything else, I lack the discipline to follow through, I don’t want to invest the time because it’s returns will be nothing, etc. And I know I can’t get caught up in that. Otherwise, I’ll never move.
Despite that, I am slowly understanding that if I fall flat on my face moving forward instead of falling simply because my knees got locked and immobilized from doing nothing, it's a far better place to be.
So, God, please continue to remind me of who I am in you, FIRST. I need an solid establishment of my identity in you, day to day, every minute. I need this or I can’t pour anything out for your sake. Supply me with this need God and when my cup is full of what you’ve supplied, I pray that it naturally is in my heart to pour it onto others, too. I pray that I am given the wisdom, guidance, and discipline to keep worship and relationship with you at the top of my priority list and second, that I am given a clear picture from only you as to what talents I have and how I can use that as you’ve meant for me to. Jesus, plain and simple, I need you and always need your help.